The Halloween Night

I was at a party last night with Lady and some really strange stuff happened.

I was dancing with Lady when I spotted the Girl out of the corner of my eye. I shouted at her and she saw me and ran away but when I tried to run after her, the crowd kept closing in around me. When I asked people why they were doing it, they acted like they weren't doing anything, but it was too late anyway, the Girl was gone.

Then, when I went for a drink in the kitchen, Darren was there, even though he said he told me he was going to Veracruz for Halloween. When I asked him why he wasn't in Mexico, he said he was, even though he quite clearly wasn't, and asked me why I was in Mexico. Before I could continue the conversation, Lady came into the kitchen and dragged me upstairs to...well, yeah.

Afterwards, I came back downstairs and Harvey and the other puppet were sitting in the hall windows. I grabbed them quickly in case someone damaged them, then I went outside with Lady and the house we were in was in a forest, even though it was in the middle of a city when we got there. Then I went back inside and everybody was staring at me for like five minutes, then they stopped as if nothing had happened, but I got freaked out so I went back outside and we were back in the city, so I took Lady home and then went back to my apartment with the puppets. Someone had left a note on my door that just said "STRINGS".

What the hell is going on!?

The Brand New Day

Oh, sorry again, my few, five followers. It's so weird to say but I've been busy, with my newfound social life, my newfound romance and my newfound...well, everything! It seems like my life has finally taken a turn for the better, a turn that it took its sweet time taking (not that I want to seem ungrateful)! But you folks have been here since before everything started looking up (even though we've never communicated or anything), so I do feel like I owe it to you to keep updating. I'll do my best to be more regular from now on.

Anyway, as I hinted at earlier, Lady and I have started dating. I don't want to jinx myself, so I won't say the L-word but...you get what I mean. I apologized to Darren about the last time (though I still feel he was in the wrong to some extent, even if he didn't agree) and I've been gigging once every two weeks or so since then. A bit down from my normal but I'm not too worried about money for once because I also got a job writing short stories for a local literary magazine! I was really bowled over when I got the job because there was a lot of competition for it but, well, I did! I'm so glad I met Lady, I couldn't have done it without her encouragement. I'm...actually getting a bit teary thinking about how great life is at the moment. I'm sorry, I'll be back to finish this post in a few minutes.

Okay, I'm back. The only other thing I can really say is that since the last time I mentioned her, the situation with Girl hasn't really changed much. She's always at my shows, standing at the back, glaring at me. I don't get it but I'm thinking of calling the cops if she keeps intimidating me like this. Anyway, that's all for now.

The Moment of Relief

Oh lord above, thanks to him, unless your not religious, I'm not into religion much myself. But it's a good phrase to signal relief, unless it offended you, in which case I am really sorry. To move on from that, everything has been good recently, or at least on the up and up. Because after many hours on the phone, after filling out forms and getting references and bank details and such, I've finally got my grant in the tubes, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which is a huge relief. Unless you've got problems with money at the moment and my boasting has just made everything seem so much worse, in which case I'm sorry again. I'm starting to think this whole blog is me apologizing.

I had another performance the other day, and the Girl was there. So I didn't completely scare her off forever. Good thing too! She really is quite pretty. Wait, is it PC to say that? I don't want to objectify women or be scary or anything. Ooh, I really hope she doesn't find this blog, it'd seem like I was leering at her all the time or stalking her or something. But the show went really well, though again I'm pretty biased so you might not want to take my word as read. The audience might just have been feeling sorry for me or something. But in any case I made a lot more money than usual, so I could send some cash to gran, and I had a good time anyway. The kids got really into the show. It was pretty great.

Also, later today I'm going to a writers circle in a coffeeshop, and I'm really nervous because I bet they won't like me. I've gotta go anyway, Darren says I need to have more people to talk to in real life or I'll go crazy and start talking to my puppets. I regret writing that now, it makes me seem crazier than I actually am. Well, I should go an try to make some friends at least. If you don't mind I guess I'll update on how the writers circle goes or something. Hopefully well.

The Failure

My dad used to say, “There is no failure, there’s only stupidity,” and I’m stupid, but I’m also a failure, I mean I guess dad has what he thinks, but how could anyone think I’m anything other than a stupid failure, I mean I bet all of you do, what else could I be? I mean what happened today I just fucked everything in my life up and almost lost my ability to do the things I love and afford the things I love, like my puppets, I mean without the grant what am I supposed to do about the puppets? And oh god I’m not making sense again, so I’m really sorry for that, I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid right now, at least in writing this.

I was supposed to send in my renewal for my grant to make puppets by the twelfth and my manager kept telling me to but it slipped my mind and I only realized on the tenth that I was supposed to do it but I still put it off, so, well, I did really badly on the essay and I bet it doesn’t get in on time and I bet that I end up with no money because of my incompetence. So I told my manager what happened and he said “I told you so, barbosa.” or something like that but I can’t be sure because I don’t really speak Spanish, at least not very well, though I have some Italian but I don’t like to talk about it because I’m really bad at Italian I just learned it so I could learn more about masks.

But what kind of fool am I? I mean this sucks and I suck and if I don’t get money from the grant there’ll be no way for me to continue with my work and then I’ll be absolutely nothing at all of worth, I mean honestly without puppets all I am is a sad sack man all alone in his room, who’s only talent outside of puppetry and storytelling is tripping over and screwing everything up. Without puppets I’ll be exposed for who I am; a failure trapped alone with his stupidity.

The Brambles

Today was frustrating. Finances have been terrible recently not that you really want to know about that, I've been feeling unwell but I don't want to go to the doctor in case I can't afford it or I bother her, and shows have been booked less and less which I can't help but think has something to do with the party, I mean you know how rumours fly around and I made such a massive awful fool of myself I bet word has gotten around. You know how people are or maybe you don't or maybe I just made a huge assumption about people, I mean maybe I'm the only person who gossips, I mean I know it's rude and it's not supposed to happen but I do it so maybe I'm the only person who does it in the whole world and people have been talking about how rude and mean I am this whole time. Or something.

Then when I went to the park to clear my head I fell in I patch of brambles, which is silly I think because what if a kid fell in, but then I guess kids are smarter than that, and I guess that the gardeners probably have enough on their plates and some people might think it looks nice so I shouldn't presume it's silly just because I cut my finger. But in the brambles I found a puppet! It's really cool looking, you can't really tell by this picture though.

It's such a good puppet, very well made, and such contrasts. There's a streamlined, almost art deco, form, yes, reflecting our modern society I'd think, and it's contrasted with the natural materials used in the design. The arms and legs are roots of some sort I think, the extended fingers very thing, almost straw-like twigs. Each limb is riddled with very finely tuned hinges for the maximum of maneuverability. The strings are fine cloth, or maybe metal, it's hard to tell at the touch, and the control mechanism is magnificent. The control piece is so complicated- I'd rather the design not go onto the web for to avoid people catching onto the design, so I won't photograph it until I've unraveled its secrets. Oddly, it's got a perfectly blank head. Of course, that's the standard with a teaching puppet, since it shows you to move the body for to create emotions within the figure, instead of relying on a face. I just say it's odd because it's such a well made puppet...

Okay, I'm done here, sorry for wasting your time with my rambling again.

The Performance

I'm really sorry for not updating for a while but I also guess I'm not sorry because I kinda suck as a human being, I mean my life is really boring, so I guess I don't really have to apologize because you were probably glad to be shot of me. I mean my life is just so boring and dull and embarrassing that I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to read about it or like me or anything. When I watch films and the characters do stupid stuff I can't stand to watch the films so I can understand why people wouldn't want to read my blog so honestly you don't have to. I mean, I'm a total wreck of a human being, uh, see, after the party I was just so so very embarrassed I couldn't even perform, and I just ended up making masks in my basement for days, and that's really embarrassing to admit to because it seems like the more I write and the more I blog the more pathetic I seem but I just couldn't handle it all after that horrific display at the party.

I finally got around to performing again on Saturday, for some kids. And I did my act, and they were enjoying it, but the girl wasn't there and I felt a bit mopey and one of the littler kids began crying in the Punch and Judy part of the act, and it was really sad and I felt really bad even though I was talking to one of the parents afterwards and she said the little girls sister had run away and the little girl was feeling super sensitive and it wasn't my fault, but I still felt awful. The bit where I let the kids wander around the set and play with the puppets at the end was just more stressful than usual because they were really boisterous and someone broke the nose off of Danielle and I just know she blames me for it. You might say, or you might not, I don't want to put words in your mouth or anything but well, you might maybe perhaps say that puppets can't judge because they don't have brains or something but I can tell they get sad sometimes, at least I think they do. That might just be because I get sad sometimes…

And after I did strike I went and sat in the park for a bit and played with the grass alone because I'm kinda pathetic and lonely. I must have a big glowy sign on my head that says "pathetic" because this one guy from a church or cult or something about the "last" or something came over and started trying to recruit me, though I don't want to judge and say all people who are in religions or cults are gullible or anything. I just feel like they go after gullible and vulnerable people sometimes and well, uh, I guess I'm sorry again. Sorry to religious people and people who are vulnerable sometimes and everyone for wasting your time on this... Oh god I suck.

The Cast

So I figure I should introduce you to my cast of puppets. Not that I feel obligated to or anything, or that I'm presuming that you'd be interested but...well, my puppets are more interesting than anything I have to say about myself. They're all I have, really.

I start my act with two marionette servant girls called Clémence and Danielle, who start off doing jokes about their stingy employer before noticing that the audience is there and doing the can-can for them. A bit cliché, I know, which is why I try to liven it up by having them mess up the can-can, kick each other in the face and start arguing. It usually gets the audience's attention.

After Clémence and Danielle, I bring out two innamorati or lovers, traditional puppets which developed from the commedia dell'arte style of acting which emerged in late Renaissance Italy. My lovers are called Ortensio e Aurelia. Like many innamorati performances, Ortensio e Aurelia spend the beginning of the performance bickering and jibing each other until Ortensio has to go to work, at which point both he and Aurelia start overdramatically pining for their departed love. Once Ortensio returns home, he and Aurelia act lovey-dovey once again, for a few moments, at least, before returning to their bickering. Not unlike real-life couples in that sense, I suppose. Not that I would know.

Once Ortensio e Aurelia have done their bit, I take another leaf from the commedia dell'arte book with a traditional Punch and Judy performance. As is the case with most Punch and Judy performances, the play has a rough structure but is largely impromptu and allows for a good deal of audience participation, much like a pantomime play. At this point, I usually have the audience's attention for the grand finale.

Through combining the familiar Harlequin archetype from the commedia dell'arte tradition with the modern penchant for fusing ventriloquism with stand-up comedy, I created the character of Harvey the Tramp. My act with Harvey is based primarily on quick back-and-forth banter, as well as commenting on the misfortune of Harvey's life and the stories in the newspapers he sleeps in, which allows me to poke fun at whatever's topical at the moment, which means I can keep the routine fresh.

You know, I love the feeling of being on a stage. I love making people laugh. I love making people applaud. I love taking my bow at the end of the performance, with all my puppets, of course, and knowing that I've made people happy. The thing is, when I'm on stage, I know that people like me. I can see them liking me, I can hear them liking me, I can feel them liking me.

I just can't get that feeling off the stage. Oh, look at me whining. I'm sorry to be unloading my self-pity on you, whoever you are. There are people in the world worse off than me. There are people starving in Niger, being gunned down in Libya and dying of AIDS in South Africa, I shouldn't be complaining. Oh, that sounds arrogant and racist doesn't it? Because I used all African countries and made it sound like I can't complain because at least I'm not like those people. Oh god, I'm sorry if I've offended you and I'm sorry if I've annoyed you by complaining about my problems when there are people far worse off and I'm sorry, in general, for being me.

I hope I didn't offend you. 

The Girl

There was a girl at the gig I had last night, and I mean, that's not too unusual, there are girls at most of my gigs, but usually they don't come to more than one. Uh, I mean, not that it's bad! Honestly, I mean, I don't think it's bad, I mean some people think it's bad I'm sure because people have their own opinions and stuff, but I mean, girls don't usually like puppets do they. Wait, sorry, that's sexist isn't it, I just haven't seen a girl come to my show more than once, though that might be because it sucks, but anyway! There was this girl at the gig last night and she was there last time so I think she likes my show, or maybe it's coincidence, but I think it couldn't be, since last time it was in a mall, and this time it was in a theatre, so maybe she saw me and then went to see another show to find out more, or something. I mean, she was cute, I don't usually check out girls because I don't want to be creepy, but she was about my age, I think, and I wasn't ogling her or anything and it's not like I'm going to talk to her ever because I'm bad at talking to people and communicating, especially with girls, I mean I've never had a girlfriend or anything. Yeah, 28 and no girlfriend, and I live all alone in this tiny apartment, and even my mum thinks I'm a loser, and I guess I am really, I mean, I'm totally a loser, I can't handle it really myself. I'm good at puppetry. Really, really good.

So yeah, there was this girl. I think there was actually a guy there too. Maybe he's into the puppets? I mean, that'd be just my luck, or maybe she's married, or has a kid or something. I mean, I should probably just forget about it all, forget the whole thing, or something, because well, I guess, uh, there's no point thinking about it really, I kinda suck at this kind of thing, and stuff, and girls are confusing in the end you know? I just don't know how to react to them. I'm really sorry if you're a girl and I'm sorry I'm being sexist and such a loser but I'm just kinda awkward and confused and stuff and yeah.

An introduction, I guess?

Good evening, internet. Wait, that sounded presumptuous, I'm sorry, uh, I mean, it might be morning wherever you are, or afternoon, or you might live in one of those countries where it's day all the time and so that would be culturally insensitive, so I'm sorry, so I guess it was wrong of me to presume it might be evening, and I guess it was wrong that I presumed whatever day you're having is good, I mean, well, since you might be having a bad day or a weird day or a really, really good day and in any case even if I was just wishing you a good day there's still the issue that I don't know what a good day would be like of you so I might be imposing my view of a good day on you and that's not nice either so I'm sorry for that. And I guess it's also wrong that I've presumed that you're on the internet, even though I don't know quite how you'd be reading this if it wasn't on the internet but maybe you printed this out to give to an elderly relative though why you'd want to do that I don't know so. Wait, I mean, I don't want to presume anything, so I guess if you want to print this out for some reason or something, I mean, I think that's weird, but I guess I just don't want to judge, and we're all weird in the world and stuff and well there are are all types  out there. Uhh, okay, that went on way too long.

I suppose you can call me Andrew. I don't have a nickname because I don't have anyone to really talk to about the things that happen in my life and the things I find interesting, in fact, well, I'm writing this in lieu of having real friends. Well, I shouldn't write that either, it makes me sound like I have no friends, when in actuality, I do actually have some friends. Well, there's Darren. I suppose he counts, right? Even if he's my manager, there's still a friendly relationship there, and he makes sure I eat and things, so he's nice to me, so he must like me and think I'm an okay guy to be alive. And the guy at the video store smiles at me sometimes. I guess that might also count more in the professional relationships than in the friendly personal ones. But I do have friends!

Who am I kidding? I'm a puppeteer, we don't make friends. Well, no, wait, that's presumptuous as well because I'm sure that there are hundreds or even thousands of puppeteers with lots of friends and I shouldn't lump myself in with them. I'm just not very good at making friends. Or doing anything, really. I'm really boring, one of those reclusive guys that you read about and you think that they can't exist because nobody can be that antisocial, they have to have friends on World of Warcraft or something, but no, I don't even have friends there, or even with other puppeteers, or even my puppets sometimes. I just think my poor puppets deserve better and now I'm personifying my puppets and you're reading this and thinking that I'm a serial killer with dolls stuck to my walls and mummy issues but I'm not, honestly, I'm just not good at anything else.

And I don't want to make any presumptions, but if you're still reading my blog after everything I've written here, you must be crazy. Not to judge or anything, I'm sorry.