The Forgotten

Things are still strange here. No one else seems to remember anything that happened at the party. Not Darren, not Lady, not any of the other people who were there. I gave the "STRINGS" note to the police to see if they could get fingerprints off it or anything, I dunno, I don't really know how those things watch, I only watch CSI at weekends.

The Halloween Night

I was at a party last night with Lady and some really strange stuff happened.

I was dancing with Lady when I spotted the Girl out of the corner of my eye. I shouted at her and she saw me and ran away but when I tried to run after her, the crowd kept closing in around me. When I asked people why they were doing it, they acted like they weren't doing anything, but it was too late anyway, the Girl was gone.

Then, when I went for a drink in the kitchen, Darren was there, even though he said he told me he was going to Veracruz for Halloween. When I asked him why he wasn't in Mexico, he said he was, even though he quite clearly wasn't, and asked me why I was in Mexico. Before I could continue the conversation, Lady came into the kitchen and dragged me upstairs to...well, yeah.

Afterwards, I came back downstairs and Harvey and the other puppet were sitting in the hall windows. I grabbed them quickly in case someone damaged them, then I went outside with Lady and the house we were in was in a forest, even though it was in the middle of a city when we got there. Then I went back inside and everybody was staring at me for like five minutes, then they stopped as if nothing had happened, but I got freaked out so I went back outside and we were back in the city, so I took Lady home and then went back to my apartment with the puppets. Someone had left a note on my door that just said "STRINGS".

What the hell is going on!?

The Brand New Day

Oh, sorry again, my few, five followers. It's so weird to say but I've been busy, with my newfound social life, my newfound romance and my newfound...well, everything! It seems like my life has finally taken a turn for the better, a turn that it took its sweet time taking (not that I want to seem ungrateful)! But you folks have been here since before everything started looking up (even though we've never communicated or anything), so I do feel like I owe it to you to keep updating. I'll do my best to be more regular from now on.

Anyway, as I hinted at earlier, Lady and I have started dating. I don't want to jinx myself, so I won't say the L-word but...you get what I mean. I apologized to Darren about the last time (though I still feel he was in the wrong to some extent, even if he didn't agree) and I've been gigging once every two weeks or so since then. A bit down from my normal but I'm not too worried about money for once because I also got a job writing short stories for a local literary magazine! I was really bowled over when I got the job because there was a lot of competition for it but, well, I did! I'm so glad I met Lady, I couldn't have done it without her encouragement. I'm...actually getting a bit teary thinking about how great life is at the moment. I'm sorry, I'll be back to finish this post in a few minutes.

Okay, I'm back. The only other thing I can really say is that since the last time I mentioned her, the situation with Girl hasn't really changed much. She's always at my shows, standing at the back, glaring at me. I don't get it but I'm thinking of calling the cops if she keeps intimidating me like this. Anyway, that's all for now.

The Vent

That's what this is here for, right? So I can vent? I mean, I apologize if I cause offense, but I'm just so steamed at the moment. Darren and I got into a big argument about finances. He claimed that I didn't fill out some form, but I know I did, and then he tore into me about up and disappearing, so I said he was a crappy manager and it all devolved from there. He told me he was just trying to get me out and about and help me go into the world, but if I wasn't paying him he wouldn't give a damn, would he! It's all false sympathy, he doesn't really care about anyone! He's just a snake! And I'm sorry to the snakes! I could probably do better on my own. I have friends and things now, I've got the courage to go out and take on the world now! The last few performances have gone really well but the amount of money I've been making barely amounts to a trickle! How am I supposed to live like this?

Lady's an accountant, she can help me with paperwork. And I'm not absent minded, I can't believe he'd say that! I'm fairly good at math, I mean, I never failed in High School! And I know all the people at the places I do gigs somewhat! I can get work from them. I have a friend group now! And I've been to big cities and they're not as interesting as Darren makes them seem. I'm way more confident and smart and together and organized now and


I just found the missing paper under my computer.

I better go apologize...

The Absence

Gosh (I'm really sorry for using gosh and probably offending atheist and believer alike), it's been a while! I'm so sorry, four followers, for such a long absence! I know most of you don't really care about-- well, that's more presumptions, isn't it! Sorry! But I've had the time of my life over the last few weeks (for once). Well, the first week I didn't post anything because there just wasn't anything to post. But the second week, I visited the bar again, and I met a lovely young lady, whose name I won't give out in case of stalkers, not that I'm presuming you're a stalker!

But this Lady was such a sweetheart, she listened to me and I talked for once! (Not that this is implying anything about mute people!) So we chatted away and before I knew it it was past midnight. She was just getting up to leave when I panicked and blurted that the view from my balcony was fantastic! I live pretty high up, you see, and the light pollution isn't too bad, so you can see all the stars. Here's what surprised me; the Lady said yes to my company. She came back to my house with me, and we shared a bottle of wine on the balcony and talked some more. It was a wonderful night, with a bright moon and not much starlight. Somehow I got around to talking about my nan and how I wanted to chat with her properly, but she lives in the city. Lady said we should go, so the very next day, we did! I visited Nan, and we looked around the city together. Then I came back and had to do a bunch of shows since I'd done nothing for two weeks. I'm glad I'm the type of artist that can take a break once in a while!

Girl showed up to a few of the puppet shows, always near the back. She looked a bit more... I'm not sure how to put this without sounding sexist or weak, but I guess she seemed a bit more threatening? I mean, I'm easily unnerved I suppose. I'm not sure if Lady is a friend or what, but we've been hanging out and she likes my puppets, and so I'm happy anyway. Darren is pissed that I missed two weeks of work but I've been working and working to make it all up and I apologized a lot. So all's a bit better in the world than it was a few weeks ago!

The Moment of Relief

Oh lord above, thanks to him, unless your not religious, I'm not into religion much myself. But it's a good phrase to signal relief, unless it offended you, in which case I am really sorry. To move on from that, everything has been good recently, or at least on the up and up. Because after many hours on the phone, after filling out forms and getting references and bank details and such, I've finally got my grant in the tubes, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which is a huge relief. Unless you've got problems with money at the moment and my boasting has just made everything seem so much worse, in which case I'm sorry again. I'm starting to think this whole blog is me apologizing.

I had another performance the other day, and the Girl was there. So I didn't completely scare her off forever. Good thing too! She really is quite pretty. Wait, is it PC to say that? I don't want to objectify women or be scary or anything. Ooh, I really hope she doesn't find this blog, it'd seem like I was leering at her all the time or stalking her or something. But the show went really well, though again I'm pretty biased so you might not want to take my word as read. The audience might just have been feeling sorry for me or something. But in any case I made a lot more money than usual, so I could send some cash to gran, and I had a good time anyway. The kids got really into the show. It was pretty great.

Also, later today I'm going to a writers circle in a coffeeshop, and I'm really nervous because I bet they won't like me. I've gotta go anyway, Darren says I need to have more people to talk to in real life or I'll go crazy and start talking to my puppets. I regret writing that now, it makes me seem crazier than I actually am. Well, I should go an try to make some friends at least. If you don't mind I guess I'll update on how the writers circle goes or something. Hopefully well.

The Failure

My dad used to say, “There is no failure, there’s only stupidity,” and I’m stupid, but I’m also a failure, I mean I guess dad has what he thinks, but how could anyone think I’m anything other than a stupid failure, I mean I bet all of you do, what else could I be? I mean what happened today I just fucked everything in my life up and almost lost my ability to do the things I love and afford the things I love, like my puppets, I mean without the grant what am I supposed to do about the puppets? And oh god I’m not making sense again, so I’m really sorry for that, I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid right now, at least in writing this.

I was supposed to send in my renewal for my grant to make puppets by the twelfth and my manager kept telling me to but it slipped my mind and I only realized on the tenth that I was supposed to do it but I still put it off, so, well, I did really badly on the essay and I bet it doesn’t get in on time and I bet that I end up with no money because of my incompetence. So I told my manager what happened and he said “I told you so, barbosa.” or something like that but I can’t be sure because I don’t really speak Spanish, at least not very well, though I have some Italian but I don’t like to talk about it because I’m really bad at Italian I just learned it so I could learn more about masks.

But what kind of fool am I? I mean this sucks and I suck and if I don’t get money from the grant there’ll be no way for me to continue with my work and then I’ll be absolutely nothing at all of worth, I mean honestly without puppets all I am is a sad sack man all alone in his room, who’s only talent outside of puppetry and storytelling is tripping over and screwing everything up. Without puppets I’ll be exposed for who I am; a failure trapped alone with his stupidity.

The Party

I went for a walk in the park today, not that I'm a hiker or anything, though if you are a hiker I don't mean to offend you I mean I think hikers are pretty awesome so I'm sorry if I offended you. But I go walking in this park like once a week, usually on Wednesdays. Around noonish, after breakfast. Uh, was that too much information? I know I can get a little too detailed about things and I really don't mean to I just notice details around and is that weird or something? I just like details because they help you to organize things and figure out what's important and what isn't and what you need to do and what you can do something about and what you can't do anything about and what's interesting and what's boring and what's fun and what's funny and when you do things and people and yeah… Sorry, went rambley there again for a moment. Oh, rambley isn't a word. Ramble-y maybe? Oh no, I'm wasting your time again, sorry, I didn't mean to. God this is so awful, I'm a terrible writer, I'm really sorry that you're reading this. If I was a comedian I'd have been pulled off the stage with that giant hook by now. Sorry.

Ugh, anyway, I was in the park. It's a nice park, a big wide open space, lots of grass, playground made out of tired with a big old tree in the middle. I think it's an oak, but I don't really know, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on trees or on anything really. Ugh. Anyway, well, I was out for a walk in this big old park and I was wandering around on one of the bike paths when I ran into Darren, my manager, walking his dog, which I think was a german shepherd or maybe a labrador? I don't know anything about dogs, but that should be obvious because I don't really know anything about anything, but anyway back to Darren. He's about forty and he's lived a pretty full life, lots of exciting stuff going on, like I think he had a drag act in the early nineties (I can remember those, I feel old…) and he worked for a circus a couple of times. He's a smalltime manager of smalltime people and I think  he likes it that way because he knows a lot of more interesting people but chooses to let them go do other things and be managed by other people. I don't know very much more than that because I kinda shut down when people talk to me. But I can remember that today he was wearing jeans that had holes in them which is a bit unprofessional if you ask me though he was only walking his dog so I suppose he doesn't have to be professional.

 Anyway we exchanged greetings and smalltalk, or at least he did, and I stared awkwardly at the ground like the truly charismatic and outgoing person I am, whilst he kept giving me this look like he wanted me to answer his questions with more than a one word answer but I'm terrible at stuff like this, truly awful. But eventually he asked me what I was doing that night and I said "My recycling" because I always do recycling on Wednesday nights but I guess I was kinda rude because I think my tone implied that he should already know that which is very presumptuous and I don't mean to presume things I'm just really bad at talking to people.

But then he said "I'm having a part tonight with a bunch of people, you should get out of your house and come and hang out." And then he said that he was worried about me so I said I'd come. And he said it was a casual party so I wouldn't have to worry about fancy clothes and that it wasn't a pot luck so I wouldn't have to bring food or do anything that I don't want to do I'd just pop in and "socialize" for a bit and I nodded and said yes, and said I'd go just over and over whilst he was trying to convince me and I think he thought I wouldn't be true to my word or something.

So that night I dressed in a nice shirt and slacks because I wanted to look somewhat nice but I put converse on to make sure that I wasn't too formal because I didn't want to look too out of place or something and then I walked over to Darren's since I don't have a car. And, well, it was a total disaster. I was a total disaster, Darren's never going to invite me over again after what a totally insecure pathetic anti-social socially awkward THING I was at that party, and I didn't drink or anything, I mostly just sat there and twiddled my thumbs and felt awkward and scared and kinda gross and just wrong and I didn't quite know what to do with myself so I sat on a chair for a bit. And for a bit of the party I just kinda hovered around Darren but I'm sure I was in the way and cramping his style and stuff. But all of those failures as a human being were nothing after the final climactic failure of the evening occurred. You see… The girl was there.

The one I talked about before.

She was there and I tried to talk to here. I tried to be suave to her. Guess how well that went. I talked about puppets and girls don't like puppets no matter how much I try to convince myself that SOMEBODY, ANYBODY else in the world likes puppets and is over the age of nine. But nobody but me likes them, not properly, and so I scared her off and creeped her out and she laughed at me, she laughed at me and I apologized and said sorry and I didn't know what to do and I said that I was sorry for creeping her out and being annoying and making her laugh at me and that I was sorry that my only skill was puppetry and the only thing that I could talk about was puppetry, but now that I think about it it sounds like I was trying to guilt trip her which is not what I wanted at all, oh god I bet she thinks I'm a colossal jerk and weirdo and a kind of self-hating emo who threatens to cut himself so girls will like him not that there is anything wrong with being emo I'm sorry emos I didn't mean to offend you but I keep offending people I'm sorry...

An introduction, I guess?

Good evening, internet. Wait, that sounded presumptuous, I'm sorry, uh, I mean, it might be morning wherever you are, or afternoon, or you might live in one of those countries where it's day all the time and so that would be culturally insensitive, so I'm sorry, so I guess it was wrong of me to presume it might be evening, and I guess it was wrong that I presumed whatever day you're having is good, I mean, well, since you might be having a bad day or a weird day or a really, really good day and in any case even if I was just wishing you a good day there's still the issue that I don't know what a good day would be like of you so I might be imposing my view of a good day on you and that's not nice either so I'm sorry for that. And I guess it's also wrong that I've presumed that you're on the internet, even though I don't know quite how you'd be reading this if it wasn't on the internet but maybe you printed this out to give to an elderly relative though why you'd want to do that I don't know so. Wait, I mean, I don't want to presume anything, so I guess if you want to print this out for some reason or something, I mean, I think that's weird, but I guess I just don't want to judge, and we're all weird in the world and stuff and well there are are all types  out there. Uhh, okay, that went on way too long.

I suppose you can call me Andrew. I don't have a nickname because I don't have anyone to really talk to about the things that happen in my life and the things I find interesting, in fact, well, I'm writing this in lieu of having real friends. Well, I shouldn't write that either, it makes me sound like I have no friends, when in actuality, I do actually have some friends. Well, there's Darren. I suppose he counts, right? Even if he's my manager, there's still a friendly relationship there, and he makes sure I eat and things, so he's nice to me, so he must like me and think I'm an okay guy to be alive. And the guy at the video store smiles at me sometimes. I guess that might also count more in the professional relationships than in the friendly personal ones. But I do have friends!

Who am I kidding? I'm a puppeteer, we don't make friends. Well, no, wait, that's presumptuous as well because I'm sure that there are hundreds or even thousands of puppeteers with lots of friends and I shouldn't lump myself in with them. I'm just not very good at making friends. Or doing anything, really. I'm really boring, one of those reclusive guys that you read about and you think that they can't exist because nobody can be that antisocial, they have to have friends on World of Warcraft or something, but no, I don't even have friends there, or even with other puppeteers, or even my puppets sometimes. I just think my poor puppets deserve better and now I'm personifying my puppets and you're reading this and thinking that I'm a serial killer with dolls stuck to my walls and mummy issues but I'm not, honestly, I'm just not good at anything else.

And I don't want to make any presumptions, but if you're still reading my blog after everything I've written here, you must be crazy. Not to judge or anything, I'm sorry.