The Mistake

After Lady dumped, I did something stupid. Namely, for the first time in my life, I got drunk. Or I think I did. I don't remember starting drinking, anything that happened while I was drunk or very much of the past eleven days at all. According to the cops who woke me up this morning, I got drunk, went over to Lady's house and started begging her to take me back. Then, when she denied me, I got aggressive and Lady's new boyfriend had to come out and beat the crap out of me. After that, I went to the offices of the newspaper where I work and...urinated on the front door. Sufficed to say, I've lost my job too. I was so content for a while there. Now it's all gone. What did I do to deserve this?

The Worst Christmas Ever

Lady dumped me. She called a while ago, saying she was sick of how much time I was spending looking for Sophie and that she wasn't going to put up with being ignored. I feel like an idiot. How could I neglect here like that? She was crying so hard and it sounds like she's already found someone to replace me. There was some man whispering to her in the background.

I can't believe I've fucked up the only adult relationship I've ever had. I'm such a fucking failure.

The Pursuit

I found a member of the writer's circle who knew the old lady and found out that she lives in a gated community in the suburbs. I tracked her down there and, using my job as a cover, asked her if she knew anything about Sophie's disappearance. She acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. I have to admit that if I didn't know she was lying ahead of time, I nearly would have been fooled.

I waited around after talking to her and when she left the estate, I followed her through the snow. I followed her a good way across the city, then she disappeared down an alleyway and when I pursued her, she was nowhere to be seen. What really worries me is that the alleyway was a dead end and there were no doors into the adjacent buildings, no steps or stairs.

Ever more questions. Never more answers.

The Vent

That's what this is here for, right? So I can vent? I mean, I apologize if I cause offense, but I'm just so steamed at the moment. Darren and I got into a big argument about finances. He claimed that I didn't fill out some form, but I know I did, and then he tore into me about up and disappearing, so I said he was a crappy manager and it all devolved from there. He told me he was just trying to get me out and about and help me go into the world, but if I wasn't paying him he wouldn't give a damn, would he! It's all false sympathy, he doesn't really care about anyone! He's just a snake! And I'm sorry to the snakes! I could probably do better on my own. I have friends and things now, I've got the courage to go out and take on the world now! The last few performances have gone really well but the amount of money I've been making barely amounts to a trickle! How am I supposed to live like this?

Lady's an accountant, she can help me with paperwork. And I'm not absent minded, I can't believe he'd say that! I'm fairly good at math, I mean, I never failed in High School! And I know all the people at the places I do gigs somewhat! I can get work from them. I have a friend group now! And I've been to big cities and they're not as interesting as Darren makes them seem. I'm way more confident and smart and together and organized now and


I just found the missing paper under my computer.

I better go apologize...

The Failure

My dad used to say, “There is no failure, there’s only stupidity,” and I’m stupid, but I’m also a failure, I mean I guess dad has what he thinks, but how could anyone think I’m anything other than a stupid failure, I mean I bet all of you do, what else could I be? I mean what happened today I just fucked everything in my life up and almost lost my ability to do the things I love and afford the things I love, like my puppets, I mean without the grant what am I supposed to do about the puppets? And oh god I’m not making sense again, so I’m really sorry for that, I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid right now, at least in writing this.

I was supposed to send in my renewal for my grant to make puppets by the twelfth and my manager kept telling me to but it slipped my mind and I only realized on the tenth that I was supposed to do it but I still put it off, so, well, I did really badly on the essay and I bet it doesn’t get in on time and I bet that I end up with no money because of my incompetence. So I told my manager what happened and he said “I told you so, barbosa.” or something like that but I can’t be sure because I don’t really speak Spanish, at least not very well, though I have some Italian but I don’t like to talk about it because I’m really bad at Italian I just learned it so I could learn more about masks.

But what kind of fool am I? I mean this sucks and I suck and if I don’t get money from the grant there’ll be no way for me to continue with my work and then I’ll be absolutely nothing at all of worth, I mean honestly without puppets all I am is a sad sack man all alone in his room, who’s only talent outside of puppetry and storytelling is tripping over and screwing everything up. Without puppets I’ll be exposed for who I am; a failure trapped alone with his stupidity.

The Brambles

Today was frustrating. Finances have been terrible recently not that you really want to know about that, I've been feeling unwell but I don't want to go to the doctor in case I can't afford it or I bother her, and shows have been booked less and less which I can't help but think has something to do with the party, I mean you know how rumours fly around and I made such a massive awful fool of myself I bet word has gotten around. You know how people are or maybe you don't or maybe I just made a huge assumption about people, I mean maybe I'm the only person who gossips, I mean I know it's rude and it's not supposed to happen but I do it so maybe I'm the only person who does it in the whole world and people have been talking about how rude and mean I am this whole time. Or something.

Then when I went to the park to clear my head I fell in I patch of brambles, which is silly I think because what if a kid fell in, but then I guess kids are smarter than that, and I guess that the gardeners probably have enough on their plates and some people might think it looks nice so I shouldn't presume it's silly just because I cut my finger. But in the brambles I found a puppet! It's really cool looking, you can't really tell by this picture though.

It's such a good puppet, very well made, and such contrasts. There's a streamlined, almost art deco, form, yes, reflecting our modern society I'd think, and it's contrasted with the natural materials used in the design. The arms and legs are roots of some sort I think, the extended fingers very thing, almost straw-like twigs. Each limb is riddled with very finely tuned hinges for the maximum of maneuverability. The strings are fine cloth, or maybe metal, it's hard to tell at the touch, and the control mechanism is magnificent. The control piece is so complicated- I'd rather the design not go onto the web for to avoid people catching onto the design, so I won't photograph it until I've unraveled its secrets. Oddly, it's got a perfectly blank head. Of course, that's the standard with a teaching puppet, since it shows you to move the body for to create emotions within the figure, instead of relying on a face. I just say it's odd because it's such a well made puppet...

Okay, I'm done here, sorry for wasting your time with my rambling again.

The Performance

I'm really sorry for not updating for a while but I also guess I'm not sorry because I kinda suck as a human being, I mean my life is really boring, so I guess I don't really have to apologize because you were probably glad to be shot of me. I mean my life is just so boring and dull and embarrassing that I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to read about it or like me or anything. When I watch films and the characters do stupid stuff I can't stand to watch the films so I can understand why people wouldn't want to read my blog so honestly you don't have to. I mean, I'm a total wreck of a human being, uh, see, after the party I was just so so very embarrassed I couldn't even perform, and I just ended up making masks in my basement for days, and that's really embarrassing to admit to because it seems like the more I write and the more I blog the more pathetic I seem but I just couldn't handle it all after that horrific display at the party.

I finally got around to performing again on Saturday, for some kids. And I did my act, and they were enjoying it, but the girl wasn't there and I felt a bit mopey and one of the littler kids began crying in the Punch and Judy part of the act, and it was really sad and I felt really bad even though I was talking to one of the parents afterwards and she said the little girls sister had run away and the little girl was feeling super sensitive and it wasn't my fault, but I still felt awful. The bit where I let the kids wander around the set and play with the puppets at the end was just more stressful than usual because they were really boisterous and someone broke the nose off of Danielle and I just know she blames me for it. You might say, or you might not, I don't want to put words in your mouth or anything but well, you might maybe perhaps say that puppets can't judge because they don't have brains or something but I can tell they get sad sometimes, at least I think they do. That might just be because I get sad sometimes…

And after I did strike I went and sat in the park for a bit and played with the grass alone because I'm kinda pathetic and lonely. I must have a big glowy sign on my head that says "pathetic" because this one guy from a church or cult or something about the "last" or something came over and started trying to recruit me, though I don't want to judge and say all people who are in religions or cults are gullible or anything. I just feel like they go after gullible and vulnerable people sometimes and well, uh, I guess I'm sorry again. Sorry to religious people and people who are vulnerable sometimes and everyone for wasting your time on this... Oh god I suck.

The Party

I went for a walk in the park today, not that I'm a hiker or anything, though if you are a hiker I don't mean to offend you I mean I think hikers are pretty awesome so I'm sorry if I offended you. But I go walking in this park like once a week, usually on Wednesdays. Around noonish, after breakfast. Uh, was that too much information? I know I can get a little too detailed about things and I really don't mean to I just notice details around and is that weird or something? I just like details because they help you to organize things and figure out what's important and what isn't and what you need to do and what you can do something about and what you can't do anything about and what's interesting and what's boring and what's fun and what's funny and when you do things and people and yeah… Sorry, went rambley there again for a moment. Oh, rambley isn't a word. Ramble-y maybe? Oh no, I'm wasting your time again, sorry, I didn't mean to. God this is so awful, I'm a terrible writer, I'm really sorry that you're reading this. If I was a comedian I'd have been pulled off the stage with that giant hook by now. Sorry.

Ugh, anyway, I was in the park. It's a nice park, a big wide open space, lots of grass, playground made out of tired with a big old tree in the middle. I think it's an oak, but I don't really know, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on trees or on anything really. Ugh. Anyway, well, I was out for a walk in this big old park and I was wandering around on one of the bike paths when I ran into Darren, my manager, walking his dog, which I think was a german shepherd or maybe a labrador? I don't know anything about dogs, but that should be obvious because I don't really know anything about anything, but anyway back to Darren. He's about forty and he's lived a pretty full life, lots of exciting stuff going on, like I think he had a drag act in the early nineties (I can remember those, I feel old…) and he worked for a circus a couple of times. He's a smalltime manager of smalltime people and I think  he likes it that way because he knows a lot of more interesting people but chooses to let them go do other things and be managed by other people. I don't know very much more than that because I kinda shut down when people talk to me. But I can remember that today he was wearing jeans that had holes in them which is a bit unprofessional if you ask me though he was only walking his dog so I suppose he doesn't have to be professional.

 Anyway we exchanged greetings and smalltalk, or at least he did, and I stared awkwardly at the ground like the truly charismatic and outgoing person I am, whilst he kept giving me this look like he wanted me to answer his questions with more than a one word answer but I'm terrible at stuff like this, truly awful. But eventually he asked me what I was doing that night and I said "My recycling" because I always do recycling on Wednesday nights but I guess I was kinda rude because I think my tone implied that he should already know that which is very presumptuous and I don't mean to presume things I'm just really bad at talking to people.

But then he said "I'm having a part tonight with a bunch of people, you should get out of your house and come and hang out." And then he said that he was worried about me so I said I'd come. And he said it was a casual party so I wouldn't have to worry about fancy clothes and that it wasn't a pot luck so I wouldn't have to bring food or do anything that I don't want to do I'd just pop in and "socialize" for a bit and I nodded and said yes, and said I'd go just over and over whilst he was trying to convince me and I think he thought I wouldn't be true to my word or something.

So that night I dressed in a nice shirt and slacks because I wanted to look somewhat nice but I put converse on to make sure that I wasn't too formal because I didn't want to look too out of place or something and then I walked over to Darren's since I don't have a car. And, well, it was a total disaster. I was a total disaster, Darren's never going to invite me over again after what a totally insecure pathetic anti-social socially awkward THING I was at that party, and I didn't drink or anything, I mostly just sat there and twiddled my thumbs and felt awkward and scared and kinda gross and just wrong and I didn't quite know what to do with myself so I sat on a chair for a bit. And for a bit of the party I just kinda hovered around Darren but I'm sure I was in the way and cramping his style and stuff. But all of those failures as a human being were nothing after the final climactic failure of the evening occurred. You see… The girl was there.

The one I talked about before.

She was there and I tried to talk to here. I tried to be suave to her. Guess how well that went. I talked about puppets and girls don't like puppets no matter how much I try to convince myself that SOMEBODY, ANYBODY else in the world likes puppets and is over the age of nine. But nobody but me likes them, not properly, and so I scared her off and creeped her out and she laughed at me, she laughed at me and I apologized and said sorry and I didn't know what to do and I said that I was sorry for creeping her out and being annoying and making her laugh at me and that I was sorry that my only skill was puppetry and the only thing that I could talk about was puppetry, but now that I think about it it sounds like I was trying to guilt trip her which is not what I wanted at all, oh god I bet she thinks I'm a colossal jerk and weirdo and a kind of self-hating emo who threatens to cut himself so girls will like him not that there is anything wrong with being emo I'm sorry emos I didn't mean to offend you but I keep offending people I'm sorry...